It Takes a Village

Posted on May 11, 2012 by ACHMI

This Sunday brought two “firsts” for me. It was the first (and probably last) Ph.D. I have received, and it was the first time I attended my own graduation. As a result, the events surrounding my degree completion and culminating in the graduation ceremony were very new to me and gave me a lot to think about. I got a lot of praise, congratulations, and positive attention. It was kind of nice. But, as nice as it was, I sometimes felt like an imposter. As people proclaimed “Congratulations!” “I’m proud of you!” and “Good job!,” I couldn’t help but think “Thank you, but don’t overdo it…. I don’t deserve all the credit.” Yes, I worked very hard, was sleep deprived, and sprouted several more gray hairs over the course of the last few years, but there is NO way I would have been able to do this without the help and support of those around me.
My husband unexpectedly became the child-whisperer while he took on the bulk of the responsibility of caring for our feisty 2- and 4- year olds. My children gave me a daily boost with their excitement as I walked through the door: “Mommy!” My advisor accommodated my working-mom-of-preschoolers-schedule, guided me through my work and studies, and provided opportunities for growth and success. My doctoral committee members helped me flex my academic muscles and took time out of their schedules to go beyond what was expected of them to be able to provide me with invaluable feedback for upcoming interviews. Other professors served as leaders and mentors for various facets of my experience. My coworkers encouraged and supported me, and added an element of fun to the rigor of research. My friends took an interest in what I was doing, babysat for us, invited us to dinner, and never ever acted inconvenienced by what I sometimes worried was neediness. Really, I could go on for pages talking about all the people who helped me, but instead, I’ll get to my point.
We don’t live in a bubble. We need people and we need relationships. It is often stated that raising children successfully “takes a village.” I would add to that: Success in life takes a village. We can give 100% of ourselves, but we can’t give our all to everything. The balancing of priorities necessitates a constant ebb and flow of how we direct our energies. Sometimes certain responsibilities require more attention than others, and other times that flip-flops. So how do we make sure that nothing really important is sacrificed too much? How do we make sure we don’t become overstressed and go crazy? How do we make sure everything is done well enough to call it a success? Well… it takes a village. Forming and maintaining healthy relationships gives us vital resources to tap into when needed. Receiving support from our partner and community is essential to our well-being and success in life. So, when I’m being congratulated during a ceremony or praised by a friend or family member, the recognition is largely also for my village- my husband, my family, my mentors, my friends. To my village, thank you and congratulations! (And now you have a village doctor…. kind of….)
~Angela Bradford
(As a side note, being part of other people’s villages to support and sustain them is also important, but that conversation is for another day and another blog post… :) ).

Posted in ACHMI, AHMREI, Alabama Conmmunity Healthy Marriage Initiative, Angela Bradford, family changes, healthy relationships, Relationships, success | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Simply Beautiful

Posted on April 30, 2012 by ACHMI

I love kids! I spent many of my high school days babysitting little fellows and little ladies; dabbing noses and wiping tears. I enjoyed spending time reading to them and being amazed at the new Disney characters they were so interested in. At the end of my shift though, I was tired and ready oh so ready to be alone. I cared for each child in a very significant and special way, but I was always grateful that when playtime was over, I could have my life back. My patience started to grow thinner and thinner as the hours would pass. I remained attentive and responsible, but my tolerance was paper thin.

When I ventured off to college, my patience and annoyance level stayed at a constant mid to high level. I went to class and was a diligent student in my studies, but it was never too difficult to come across things that would irritate me. Don’t Judge!! I’m not saying that I’m a hot-head or that I’m difficult to please. It just bothers me when people try my patience. Ask my roommate. She has heard me voice my daily frustrations over the years.

Coming into adulthood was also a trying time for my patience. Luckily, I didn’t have to struggle after my undergraduate days like most of my peers. I was fortunate enough to find a welcoming work environment soon after graduation. Lucky for them I didn’t come in the door already exhausted from months and months of revising résumés, writing cover letters, and going on endless interviews that lead to dead ends. That would have truly sent me over the edge.

This past year has been filled with the typical stress level of the average twenty-something. I had to deal with a hectic schedule and an overbooked social life. Some things along the way would make my mind tumble, but overall I wouldn’t have it any other way…or so I thought. Until that wonderful and fearful day my sister called me with the news, “I’m having a baby!” I looked down at the iPhone, so certain I was receiving interference on my dependable 4G network, but I had heard her loud and clear.

I was immediately excited and filled with thoughts of little fellows and little ladies. Would it be a boy or a girl? Would the baby look like them or skip around the gene pool and favor me? Just a few questions I tossed around in my head as I awaited the “little chunk.” Once the initial shock wore off, reality started to set in when my sister started to show. Of course I know where babies come from, but it was still hard understanding that one was coming from my sister. I mean, I love her, truly I do, but MY sister…a mommy? Now I had something new to add to my already low patience level. Even though I never really wanted her to, would she still call me at 7:00 A.M.? Would she be too busy with the little one to still be my “sissy?”

Amazingly enough, all of that faded when little Clara Grace got here. Never had I ever let go and totally enjoyed a single moment of life the way I did when I first saw her. She lay in the hospital crib with a head full of jet black hair, a cute nose, and a big belly. She was simply beautiful. Right then, my patience for life and the people in it grew two sizes just like the Grinch’s heart on Christmas. I love my family and most of the things we do together, but just like other facets of my life, my tolerance would sometimes wear thin. Not so much anymore. When I’m with my little “poodah,” I just want to enjoy her and all the little things she does. Being an auntie has added another dimension to my life. When my heart grew for her, so did my patience for the world around me. I miss her everyday and I never grow tired of being with her. I gladly stay up late and wake up early just for her. My Gracie Lou-Who has brought so much clarity to my life. Life is always happening and has so many unexpected gems along the way. Don’t let your hectic schedule or your uninterrupted social life take away from stopping and just enjoying the moment.

Posted in ACHMI, AHMREI, Alabama Conmmunity Healthy Marriage Initiative, appreciation, family changes, Rachel Parham, stress management | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tuesday Nights, Under The Lights!!!

Posted on April 27, 2012 by ACHMI

I am a part of an all guys church softball team that plays Tuesday nights with 3 seasons a year (I spend maybe half of the Tuesdays in a year out there). Then, I have a wife and a baby and aside from work, school and sleep they have a 52 week season that I “play” in 7 days a week, 7 nights a week, 24 hours a day. While I LOVE my family with everything that I have, I look forward to my Tuesday nights.
My wife and I are lucky to have such flexible schedules that we each get to spend our own special time with our daughter. We even have our own special things that we like to share with our girl. My wife likes to take our daughter to check the mail and read books to her. Since I love the outdoors, I like to throw a blanket in the front yard and play or sit on the porch swing and watch cars drive by. Not only do we have our own special time with our daughter but we almost start every morning and end every day together as a family. This togetherness is so unique and so special to us, and we know that life may not always be so sweet, but…Sometimes daddy needs a break!!
Before I go any farther I want everyone to know that if I had nothing in the world except my family, my life would be more than complete. Now that is out of the way, let’s remember that…Sometimes daddy needs a break!! For me there is nothing better than being in the outdoors and being active. Also, life isn’t any fun alone, so I enjoy hanging out with a good group of my guy friends on “Tuesday Nights, Under The Lights.” Whether the week is going well or things are crazy at the house, I look forward to my time at the ball field. These few hours that I spend away from the everyday rhythm of life is my ‘care for self’ time. Care for self or self-care is important for the soul. While I joke about needing a break, I take this break so that I am able to give even more back to my family. When I get overwhelmed by the busy day, I am not the best dad or husband that my family needs me to be. My wife even comments that during the off season I can be more on edge sometimes Mentally I am not thinking about who’s picking up the baby, when is the next meeting, have I eaten today, did I kiss my wife this morning? Instead, I can just enjoy doing what I love without worrying about which hat I’m wearing (dad hat, work hat, husband hat). I’m just #22, the second baseman for our church softball team.

Note: If you’re interested in keeping tabs with the #1 ranked team in our league and the 2012 Spring season champs (my team, FBCO Gold), keep up with us on: http://www.quickscores.com/Orgs/ResultsDisplay.php?OrgDir=auburnalabama&LeagueID=329263

Posted in ACHMI, Adam Greer, AHMREI, Alabama Conmmunity Healthy Marriage Initiative, appreciation, family time, Sports, time management | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Confident Daughter

Posted on April 25, 2012 by ACHMI

Our Birth-Day Wish
As my baby girl’s first birth-day draws near, I am sentimental as I reflect on all the growth we’ve had this past year. It began with the common scene of two parents wondering where to find the “how-to manual” as we drive off (very slowly) with a little baby swaddled up in a hospital blanket (wearing the specially planned going home outfit underneath). Fast forward, next stop, current day scene of small force of energy that loves to crack herself up, splash toys during bath time, and feed herself (and our dog) cheerios. This year has been as much about learning for us as her parents as it has been a time of exploring and learning for our daughter. We are very much looking forward to watching her blow out her candle among family and friends and to watch her expressions as she digs into her first piece of cake. But as we tell our baby girl to make her wish, I know that my husband and I will really be doing the wishing.
What do most parents wish for their children? Health? Happiness? To grow up to be good people? To find love and companionship? We wish all of this for our daughter as well. But I also want something more for my daughter. Life- long Confidence. I don’t want my daughter to be afraid of being extraordinary. I don’t want my daughter to be plagued by self-doubt and low self-esteem as so many young girls are experiencing. I imagine that in the future she won’t bob up and down in excitement as she takes on the task of pulling every item of clothing out of my bottom drawer, but I do wish that throughout her life she continues to give me the same “Mommy I can do this” look. For her happiness and self-esteem I hope she takes on the monkey bars or math or science or making a new friend with the same sense of “I can do this.”
So how can I help my daughter to have confidence in herself? It turns out that there are a few simple things we as parents can do. It starts with how we praise our daughters. We typically praise little girls with comments like “You’re so pretty” and although this is OK, it focuses on the outside or traits that are fixed rather than something in her control, such as her effort. It turns out that praising our daughter’s efforts is more empowering than praising her looks or just telling her how smart or how great she is. However, no trophies just for showing up. We as a community shouldn’t lower the bar so that our daughter’s happen to accidentally rise to the occasion. A little struggle can be positive and an opportunity for our daughters to learn about themselves and what they care about. Lastly, we can support our daughter’s through their struggles and their successes. It can be equally difficult to handle both. It may be that a young girl is actually seen as arrogant or stuck up for succeeding. During times like these our daughters need us to reassure them with our words that they have our support and love and then we need to show them with our actions.
I imagine that my daughter will have days where she beams in confidence and days when she feels down on herself. As it is now, she cries when she bumps her head while trying to make it around the coffee table, and she babbles in triumph when she reaches the remote. I have learned enough at this point to know that ultimately, there is no easy answer or “How- to manual,” but, come what may in her beautiful life, may she have self-confidence.

Posted in ACHMI, AHMREI, Alabama Conmmunity Healthy Marriage Initiative, Confidence, Parenting, Vanessa Finnegan | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Spring Cleaning… Your Stress!

Posted on April 16, 2012 by ACHMI

It’s that time of year again… SPRING! And as wonderful as it is, for many of us it also means deadlines, the end of the semester, taxes, and either beautiful weather that makes you want to be outside or rain that makes you want to sleep. One of the things people seem to do around this time is “spring cleaning.” I’ve recently begun this task and, as many of you know, it is quite the chore! My dog, Ziggy, who might as well be my child, is in need of a procedure that is going to be a little pricey. Wondering how I am going to pay for it, I decided I would kill two birds with one stone (although I really don’t like that analogy – I’m not for killing birds) and have a garage sale to help with the spring cleaning and hopefully raise money for Ziggy. I mean, surely having a garage sale doesn’t require much work, right? WRONG.
Needless to say, as I was waking up at 4:30 am this past Saturday, I looked at Ziggy and said, “You’re lucky I love you.” Not only was I stressed about the garage sale, but the week prior had been stressful for various reasons and my overall mood was just not the best. I began focusing only on the tasks before me and how much I had to do. Negative thoughts feed each other, and soon I was thinking about all of the things in the previous week that had been bogging me down. By the time I finished setting up, it was 6:30 and I was ready to call it quits. Then my neighbor came over and bought a few things. She asked me why I was having a garage sale and I told her it was for my dog. I also told her how many of my friends were joining in so that the garage sale would be big enough and that everyone was chipping in a little for Ziggy. She smiled and said, “You’re lucky you have such great support.” She also gave me a little donation for Ziggy :) . As she walked away, I thought about what she had said. Often, stress consumes our thoughts and gets in the way of us thinking clearly. I had been focusing only on the negative and had not even thought about the positive. I started thinking about why we were there – Ziggy, my goofy little dog that brings me so much joy. And the friends, classmates, workmates, professors, neighbors and strangers who recognize the joy she brings me and who offer support (monetary and emotional) when things get stressful. Keeping with the positive thoughts, I started thinking about the work week prior and all of the support I have there. Additionally, I focused on what I love about the work I do and the difference we are making. I thought about my goals and everything I am working towards. It was amazing, but that one little switch to positive thoughts changed my whole attitude. And the best part… the STRESS WAS GONE.
As you do a little bit of spring cleaning on your own this season, I encourage you to not only clean your house, yard, garage, etc., but also clean out the stress and negativity in your life. I facilitate Relationship Smarts + at local high school and one of the things we talk about is “taking a break” when you are in an argument or get too stressed. Research shows that focusing on the negative will only increase your stress and anger. Instead, think about what is important or why you are in this situation in the first place. If it is your job or school, focus on what you love about it and what drew you to this in the first place. If it is your relationship that is causing stress, think about what you love about that person and focus on the good times you have had with each other. Changing the way you think can help you come at the situation differently and may make all the difference on how you respond. Stress is inevitable and often out of our control, but how we respond is our decision.

Posted in ACHMI, AHMREI, Alabama Conmmunity Healthy Marriage Initiative, healthy relationships, Kate Taylor Harcourt, pets, Relationship Smarts, Relationships, stress management | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Trek to the Olympics… And Beyond!

Posted on March 29, 2012 by ACHMI

My current greatest hope is that in late July or early August I will be in London, England cheering my heart out for my husband Tyler McGill at the Olympic Games. Tyler is a professional swimmer and has been the second fastest swimmer in the 100 butterfly behind Michael Phelps for the past 3 years. In fact, last year Tyler won Bronze at World Championships in Shanghai, China last summer. (World Championships is kind of like the Olympics of non-Olympic years.)
It has been really interesting being married to a professional swimmer. It is not as glamorous as you might imagine. We live a pretty normal life, nothing to special. We rent a house, have a pug, watch TV at night, and love a good dinner and a movie date. I am a graduate student, and I work part time as well. So, my schedule is relatively normal (on campus 8-6 and then reading and writing at home some nights). Tyler, on the other hand, has practice in the morning every day (about 7-10) that usually includes weights and swimming and then 3 days a week he has practice in the afternoon. During the day he does chores around the house and naps. He travels a lot too. He makes appearances or does clinics, goes to meets across the country and sometimes abroad.
Those are the tough times. He can be gone for as long as a month at a time. This last summer when he won Bronze in Shanghai he was gone for almost 4 weeks. I get lonely at home with our little pug, Reggie, but I try to reach out to my support networks. My dad came to stay with me for a little bit and that was really fun! My friends come over and hang out at night and I try to go out and do fun things with them during the week instead of sitting home alone. I also let my co-workers know what is going on so they may be a little more fragile with me when I am frazzled or disorganized.
But what I have really learned through my relationship with Tyler is that we don’t have to be completely in each other’s world. We support each other alongside one another. Forget the saying that goes “Behind every great man is a great woman.” It should be that BESIDE every great man is a great woman. I love that we can work really hard at the things we really enjoy separately, rejoice together in each other’s successes, take interest in what the other is doing, and then do really great things as a couple. I think it gives us a level of independence while still placing a really important emphasis on us as a couple.

Posted in ACHMI, AHMREI, Alabama Conmmunity Healthy Marriage Initiative, family time, healthy relationships, Julianne McGill, marriage, Relationships | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

Love List

Posted on March 15, 2012 by ACHMI

When I began reading about relationships and marriage for a paper I am writing, it was devastating how quickly I came across these words: break-up or divorce. Too often, people tend to focus on why marriages do not work: high conflict, incompatibility, children, etc. We focus on these things because measuring conflict… well it is much easier than measuring love. Let’s redirect, focus on the positive and ask, “What’s love got to do with it?”
Love is defined in so many ways that love to one person is different than love to another, even if those two people are in a relationship. While it does appear easy to feel love, it often seems harder to express what we consider “love” to our partner. What makes us feel loved? It is different for everyone. Therefore, shouldn’t we make a love list? I have a mental love list that I tend to add to as need be, but I have never written it down and I have surely never shared it, in its entirety, with my partner. Oh, I have dropped hints here and there that I like quality time and it is important to respect one another’s opinions, but NO, I have not discussed it with him. So why do I expect him to know how to love me when I am not even really sure what is on my love list to begin with? We make grocery lists so that we will get what we need to fill our appetites. We make to do list’s so that we will fill our obligations at work, school or home. We make task lists so that others can complete duties and responsibilities. So why do we not make time to create a love list that would make is more accessible to not only get what we need, but so that others can easily fill up our tanks?
Then the question becomes, well where do I start? In counseling and therapy there is a goal setting technique called S.M.A.R.T. You can start here: S-specific, M-measurable, A-attainable, R-realistic, T-time. When creating your list, use each letter to detail what you want; if you want time with your partner you could say something like, “spend 10 minutes every day telling each other the highs and lows of the day”. This incorporates all of the S.M.A.R.T. technique. Your list does not have to be exhaustive but it will take some time and thought. When you are ready to share your list with your partner be prepared to explain and talk about your items with them. They may even be willing to create their own love list.  :) Make this experience enjoyable, maybe over a picnic lunch on a Saturday afternoon or over take-out on a Friday night at home with each other. Just make it about the two of you and “your love”.
Oh and one other thing, do not let this be overwhelming. You will constantly be adding and subtracting from your list. In ten years or ten months, there may be items that you could not live without when you were first together, but now after time has passed and relationships, marriages, children or jobs have intervened, you do not need those things and instead you replace them with other items. That is okay. Just like life is a work in progress so can be your love list.
I started mine, will you?

Posted in ACHMI, AHMREI, Alabama Conmmunity Healthy Marriage Initiative, Communication, healthy relationships, Relationships, Sheena Young | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

How to take your foot out of your mouth

Posted on March 12, 2012 by ACHMI

I walked in the living room last week only to find our silly 5 and ½ month old with her foot in her mouth! She sat their smiling and laughing with her little chunky foot covered in slobber. It was gross, but strangely cute!
Once I did the normal “paparazzi” routine and snapped 20+ pictures of her, I got to thinking that recently I have found my foot in my mouth on more occasions than I would like to admit … metaphorically speaking that is. Again gross, but this time not so cute.
Here is a prime example. On Monday my husband, Adam, and I agreed to meet for lunch. We had planned to enjoy the spring-like afternoon eating outside on the picnic tables. Just a couple of sandwiches and a couple of lovebirds, right? Well, I was feeling overwhelmed by my ever-growing To Do List and my ever-decreasing energy level. Adam walked up with our meals and mentioned that he may go home this afternoon and rest. That is all I heard before I “saw red.”
All I could think was: REST?!?! I work a MILLION hours a week AND clean the WHOLE house and ALWAYS care for the baby and NEVER get to rest!!!!!!!!!!!!
Poor guy had no idea what he was walking into. I lost it.
Mad props for him though. He stayed calm. He used “I” statements to express how he was feeling (stressed and tired too). He noticed that I was overwhelmed and asked if he could be helpful.
In that moment, I knew he was right and that he was really trying. So, I calmed down and apologized, right?
HAAAAAAA! Um, no. Then I went from being overwhelmed to being overwhelmed AND wrong. Pshhh. I just kept arguing and spouting off a laundry list of all the things I do.
Did I stop to understand all the things he also has to do during the day? No.
Did I validate his feelings of needing rest and realize that it was important for him to take some time to recuperate so that he could continue working hard? Nope.
Did I stomp off mad from that “nice lunch” and go pout in my office? Yep.
Did I feel good about what I did? Yes! For a few minutes anyways  I had won that argument, because we all know that the loudest one is always right.
Then, I went from being frustrated at him to being frustrated at myself. Why couldn’t I just take my foot out of my mouth and apologize? My talking privileges should have been revoked on the spot. Instead, my epiphany was: with a BIG mouth, comes BIG responsibility. I stuck my foot in my mouth, and it was my job to go back and make things better. It would have been even better, if I would have recognized in that moment that Adam was trying to be supportive.
It isn’t about winning the argument, but winning for the relationship. Do your part to be supportive to those around you, and when necessary extract your foot from your mouth!

Posted in ACHMI, AHMREI, Alabama Conmmunity Healthy Marriage Initiative, healthy relationships, Mallory Lucier, marriage, Relationships | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Parenting: Are you keeping up?

Posted on March 5, 2012 by ACHMI

When my children were younger, it was a daily challenge to keep up with them. From the moment they were toddlers, they were busy doing something, and I was constantly running after them. Watching them chase butterflies, field ground balls, or run after the ice cream truck are just a few of my favorite memories of their childhood.
I guess I imagined things would slow down as they grew older, and our mother-daughter relationship would grow even stronger. Instead of running after ice cream trucks, they now run errands and have part time jobs. Instead of chasing butterflies or fielding ground balls, they are completing college applications and chasing their dreams. Don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying this part of their life just as much as I did their childhood. Yet, things are different…VERY different. Their physical activities may have slowed somewhat, but I assure you, their lives have not.
In today’s society, smart phones and social media are a dominant factor in the lives of most teens and many adults. Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and others are the conduits to their lives. As a parent, if you aren’t “social media savvy”, conversations with your children are often one sided, yours. A smart phone isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity to them. I thought by asking them to pay for their data plan each month that my girls would realize a smart phone wasn’t necessary. Needless to say I’ve been receiving that payment, every month, and they’ve NEVER been late.
Research shows that the more positive relationship you have with your teen, it is likely your teen will have more positive outcomes in life. So, how do I maintain positive, healthy communication with them when I rarely have more than 10 minutes with them? I don’t have a smart phone! What if I’m not a big fan of the social media craze? Maybe the word “fan” isn’t accurate. I’d say I’m ignorant and completely lost when it comes to “tweets”, “news feeds”, “hash tags”, and all of the other buzz words associated with these applications, or “apps”. It seems there’s an “app” for everything. All you have to do is download it to your smart phone.
Yet, since I don’t have one, what am I supposed to do? How do I create time to communicate with them? With jobs, homework, and everything else we do on a daily basis, how do I stay informed of what’s going on? How do I let them know how important they are and show them how much they are loved? I’m a certified parent educator, I should know these things. Yet, my training manual didn’t have a chapter on “keeping up with your teens on Facebook or Twitter”. If you aren’t a parent of a teenager, it may be difficult for you to understand what I’m talking about. I mean, who doesn’t talk to their kids? What day is so busy that conversation doesn’t occur? Besides, kids wouldn’t share with “social media world” something they haven’t shared with their mom, right?
I wish! Assuming you “know” your teen is a big assumption, especially when these are the years they are discovering themselves. Communicating with them is how you discover who they are, and they tend to define who they are by watching you. So, what does a mom, who feels completely out of the loop, do? The first thing I did was look at our calendars and scheduled an appointment with them. I found a time that we all had free, and made the meeting mandatory. I happened to arrive home first, and when they entered the front door, the smart phones were taken up and placed in a room far away from our family room. That didn’t go well at first, but opened the door for our conversation. I shared how I was frustrated because I didn’t feel part of their lives. I told them that even though I was so proud of their responsible behavior and decreased need for me, I still felt out of the loop on their day to day “stuff”. They shared they didn’t mean for me to feel that way, but with schedules like they were, there really wasn’t a way around it. Then one of the girls suggested I set up a Twitter account so I could follow their “tweets”. That would give me an idea of what they were thinking and feeling every day. She even agreed to set it up for me, and that I didn’t need a smart phone to have one. All I needed was a computer. (Whew!) They also gave me their passwords to their Facebook accounts so I could follow their pages. By this point, our allotted time was up, and we all had to go in different directions. I felt a little better, especially when they trusted me enough to share their passwords. Yet, I still felt disconnected.
The next day, I began receiving “tweets” from my daughters. After my initial shock of the quantity of the tweets, I realized what insight I was gleaning from them. A few days later, I logged into one of their Facebook accounts and began reading their posts. I laughed at most of them, pleasantly surprised by some, and moved by one in particular. I found a post from weeks ago. One of the girls had taken a picture of a text I had sent her one afternoon. (Yes, you can post your smart phone’s screen to your page in about 15 seconds). I had simply asked her how her day went, and told her how much I loved her. The caption under the “screenshot” read: “I have the best mommy ever! I am so blessed!”
Wow…..I couldn’t believe it. Of course I still don’t know every little detail of their lives, but I do realize how strong our relationship really is. I realize that my girls know how thankful I am of them, but I also realized they are thankful for me. And to think that I wrestled with my feelings of not being able to “keep up”….All I really needed to do is step into their world. A world of Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, and other media I’m not interested in. Yet, I’m interested in them. You don’t have to understand their world, or even know how to work all of the gadgets and programs within it. Just be a part of it, show you are interested and care. Before long, you won’t be “keeping up” or running after them, you’ll be cheering them on from the sidelines, ready to help in any way you can.

Posted in ACHMI, AHMREI, Ami Landers, facebook, Parenting | Tagged , , , , | 9 Comments

Meaning Belongs to the Recipient

Posted on July 27, 2011 by ACHMI

I wonder how many hours I have spent in my life trying to convince people that they must have misunderstood me.   Many times, someone takes something we say “the wrong way”.  They hear a comment completely differently from the way we meant it.  So, we get defensive, explaining that we did not intend for that to be the message.  After we feel that we have thoroughly explained our message, the recipient may feel belittled, hurt, or just plain frustrated.  Our feelings of self importance sometimes make us prioritize being “right” over maintaining healthy relationships and respecting the feelings of others.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”   This means beauty is subjective—one person may think an object is pretty; the other might not like it at all.   I recently heard a piece of advice that was a light bulb moment for me: “Meaning belongs to the recipient”. Like beauty is in the eye of the beholder, meaning is in the mind of the observer. Meaning is subjective.  Therefore, it does not matter what we intended the meaning of our message to be, but rather what the receiver of that message understood from it.  Instead of showing our partner how wrong they were in interpreting what we said, what if we met them where they are—at their interpretation of the message?  What if we took their perspective for a moment, and instead of getting defensive, we apologized for sending that message?  Do you think that the person would be more likely to receive your intended message if you addressed them softly instead of defensively?  I know I would be!

I still find it difficult to stop my own desire to be understood, my desire to be “right”.  I think that everyone wants to be understood, but what if we tried to understand the other before proving our point?  If I were to live by “meaning belongs to the recipient”, I think I could save a lot of time and energy on my own part—and negative feelings on the part of my friends and family.  As trying as it may be, this is a skill I’m willing to invest in developing.   When I value and respect the feelings of those around me and when I take a moment to understand the message they received, I’m investing in healthy relationships.

Posted in healthy relationships, Shauna Staranko, Uncategorized | 5 Comments